So this is what an emotional rollercoaster feels like

So, this morning, I got up at 4 a.m., said to myself, self, test so you can show Hubby the "pregnant" sign on the test, you know, like yesterday's test. Wake him up with a huge hug and then show him the test...Off I went, to tee tee on a stick like in the good ol' days....(up)

Opening the wrapper without making a lot of noise takes practice. But I managed to pry that little piece of gold out of its Fort Knox wrapping and get the thing in "midstream" before it was too late. While I set the test down waiting for it to work its magic, I sat there and waited as the test blinked and blinked and blinked, indicating it was processing my "sample" and would give me the results in just a few....(up)

So as I sat there, staring at the blinking test, I refused to take my eyes off of it. I stood up, staring at it, eyes blurring from the tears welling up until I finally had to blink. More waiting, more blinking and then panic started to set in. All this friggin' blinking was goin on and no friggin' words appearing. Before I lost my patience, FINALLY, words appeared on the screen "see leaflet" (down)

WTF I thought? See leaflet? NO I wanna see test window with "pregnant" just like yesterday, try again, I'll wait! Much to my chagrin, it insisted for me to "see leaflet" Darn it, last test and I have to go see leaflet and I didn't wanna go see friggin leaflet!

I thought to myself, what did I do wrong, I clicked on the "eject" button, and out came the test....not enough pee? too much pee? what is wrong with you! Of all times to tell me to see leaflet! I didn't wanna see leaflet, but I did anyway. It was like being sent to the principals office

So I "saw leaflet" and still had questions. .(further down)
What went wrong? was yesterdays test a fluke? Was this "see leaflet" sign telling me that the test(s) in the box were damaged goods, including yesterdays "pregnant" sign??? Aw hell, now I've got to run out and get more tests. that's it, investing in more as soon as I get ready for work.

Of course I couldn't go back to sleep after that, so I stayed up, went to the kitchen and wandered aimlessly, set the dishwasher, fed the cat, pet the dog, sat on the couch in a dumbfounded stupor.... Bloated like a freak, I decided to weigh in, 137 pounds! I had gained 2 more pounds in 24 hours, making that a total of 9 pounds since Friday. Ok, that's enough, I'm calling the doc today, and I'm getting seen!

Fast forward...called the nurse. Hey, just checking in, called the doc Saturday, blah blah blah gained 4 lbs. blah blah then 3 lbs. blah blah then 2 more lbs. blah blah. OK, she said, he needs to see you, when can you come in?

Me: "30 minutes"

I was getting up there as fast as I could. One quick call to the hubby and I was out the door, picking him up and on the road before I knew it. I stopped at the front and got out, and let Hubby park the car, our usual routine.

In the patient room by 10am, the nurse weighed me in: 139 lbs. (now, when I first started IVF on July 28th, the doc weighed me in at 135lbs.) BUT! I reminded the nurse, I had started my diet with Fred (nutrtionist) and had lost about 7 lbs.) so taking that into consideration, I had gained more than the next 4 lbs. that my chart was showing) yea right...Undressed from the waist down and waiting for the doc to make his entrance, Hubby and I made smalltalk. Before long *thank God* in walked the doc and said "lets' see if its as bad as you indicated over the phone" Uh yeah, bloated to the point of weeble wabble but I don't fall down, yes!

He measured my waist, and then did an u/s. He showed me the "cul de sac" full of fluid, he said about 1/2 a quart. (Uh, feels like a gallon but whatever). Bottom line, if he were to drain the liquid, my ovaries would just see that as an opportunity to make more fluid. Said that this should go away in about a week or two (A week or two???) Yes a week or two, and considering that hCg (the pregnancy hormone) usually causes the OHSS, he said he thinks it was wonderful news that I had OHSS, which he officially diagnosed as "moderate" (I glanced over at Hubby and he was there giving me the thumbs up-my very own personal cheering section) Doc G explained the symptoms of severe OHSS and said if I near that point, then to call again. Meanwhile, we was ordering the b/w --quantitative pregnancy test, estradiol, progesterone, CBC and metabolic something or other. The results of the estradiol/progesterone would let them know if they should adjust my medicine (the vivelle patches/prometrium that I'm still on) The CBC & metabolic--I have no idea. Pregnancy test was self-explanatory.

While I sat there feeling like I had exaggerated the morning, I listened to the doc, who ended the visit with a "congratulations, I think" Wha?

In disbelief, I got dressed again and hubby and I walked out to checkout, made a check out for $25.00 for today's copay and then mentioned to Hubby that before I came
up, the check-in registrar had me go see "Kim." "Kim" is short for "Put up or shut up", the financial person in charge of collecting for IVF. Oh yea, I remembered, I had to go pay Kim the rest of the money. How much, he asked, $1525.00. I know I know, more out of pocket expenses... We had had a chat earlier about that, IVF being worth the price if we ended up preggers. Hubby reminded me that most couples get pregnant for free. Gee thanks hon! I thought, maybe we should be pregnant with all 3 for the price we paid! (errr ummm, kidding)

Anyway, back to work, we had to explain to the staff exactly WHY I looked 4-5 months pregnant. We explained it with a simple, I'm bloated and I went to the doc this morning. I had so many looks of shock and aw. Abby was hilarious, shaking her head, "I've never seen that in my life" shaking her head. I couldn't wait for lunch time since that meant that I was going to get to run to the drugstore and pick up a box of HPT to hold me over while I waited for the "official" results from the doc (makes senses doesn't it???) No.

Ok, so I had to pick up my 2 prescriptions and some gatordade. While I was there I thought, why not just grab a box of hpt's, you know, since I was 'there'.

Perfect, home before Hubby to get lunch ready, I'll run and pee on a stick again! Just like my intentions this morning. And when he gets home, I'll have the results for him and I'll get that "image" of me showing him the test and us hugging, just like in the movies, just like in the commercials!

Off I ran with my secret box of gold, under my arm while I undressed and made my way to the bathroom. After all that excitement, I peed.... like a drippy faucet. Barely there. Not enough to raise the water bill too much if it dripped like that all month. Oh well, that's ok, the same thing happened with Sundays' digital....So there i went again, waiting. Except this time, I ran to the study and looked at the time. Ok, the countdown had begun. I've got 2 minutes.....meanwhile, I'll check my email.
Nothing, a big fat negative. No "light" line to speak of, no almost a line, not even an evap line. I was crushed. I began to sweat profusely and kept eyeing the test, as if it was going to change courses any second. Nothing.

Crushed and in disbelief, I quickly went where I had dreaded going this very morning, to "see leaflet" maybe it could shed some light on this ahem, negative result. Not helpful. Next, I went to Old Faithful, www.peeonastick.com, there I've always found a plethora of information on every hpt known to man *or to me, at least* and researched the writings on the EPT (+ or -) All I got from there was that there had been complaints of false POSITIVES. False positives? No way? How about falst negatives? Especially after having a "pregnant" recording on another brand of test. Maybe this EPT just wasn't as sensitive as the ClearBlue I had done Sunday. Yeah, that's the ticket. But only 15units difference and all of a sudden, a big fat negative? no way! I didn't even believe my own baloney.
Ok, so, here I sat, one big fat positive *no questioning the "pregnant" test right?* and one big fat negative (question question question). It was still too early to call the nurse for my beta results, it was only 1pm.

Ok, so enough rattling on: this is a pic of what I stared at for hours on end, hoping to see a + sign, and failing to get even an imaginary one to appear


Devastated, I walked to the kitchen to prep lunch. Hubby would be home soon, and it was all I could do to muster up the strength to act normal. He was home within minutes and soon we were having lunch. I was able to stay quiet by stuffing my mouth with food, and letting out a few mmmm's in between. I didn't want to have to speak.
Finally, after lunch, I belted out with "I'm scared" Hubby asked "why?" Of course, I pretended that the BFN had not just happened and said "waiting for the test results" Hubby reassured me, its ok. In the back of my mind, I thought, no, I remember our conversation from earlier where you said that most couples get pregnant for "free" Here, we had shelled out over $12,000.00 and could possibly end up with empty arms.
To my delight, he said "is there any reason we need to go back to work" NOOOOOOO! I yelled and screamed inside, NO earthly reason at all. My safety net came to the rescue, no work means I could get on the computer and obsess on every website I could manage to google up about the &*)^%$#@!) EPT company to see if any other women had gone through what I had. "Not that I can think of" I shot back after a quick silence. hmmmm.....I went to the study and picked up the test, still a stark BFN, no wiggle room, still didn't need to pee, so I couldn't test again. When I got back, "guess who" was asleep on the couch, resting comfortably. I lay down on the other side and somehow, I fell asleep. I woke to him placing my chenille throw over me, and kissing me on the forehead, he was going back to work. He said, stay home, get some rest. "OK" I thought, yea right, now that I'm awake I'll just go back to obsessing. But for some reason, I didn't do that, I turned the TV off and went to the bedroom, cell phone in one hand, throw in the other. I went to take a longer nap.

It was all I could do to escape reality...If I'm asleep, I can't think about it, plus, it helps pass the time. It was 3:30pm, still too early to call the nurse.

Woke upa t 4:34pm, hold toledo bat man! It's almost quitting time! I quickly dialed the digits (Ok, I pressed redial) and on the other end, Renee. The phone conversation went SOMETHING like this:

Hi Renee! This is CC Gaitan!
Hi CC.
Hi, I'm calling to check on todays' results
Um, your chart is on Dr. Gunert's desk waiting for dictation then it'll go to Toni so I won't get it til tomorrow....was there something that D.r G said he needed you to do today?
Well, I'm waiting on the results of the pregnancy test, and he said based on the results of the progesterone/estradiol, he may need to adjust my meds.
Oh! I didn't check to see if it was positive or negative, let me go see if I can check that for you, hold on.
Hold...................................I swear it was like 5 minutes ...............
Ok, CC, are you ready?
Of course, yes.
You're pregnant. But its really early still
What is the beta number?
157.
Ok, good. So I guess I'll just wait for Dr. G to review the results and you all will let me know what to do next? you'll call me?
Yes, we'll call you,
OK, thank
Congratulations,
Thank you.

Hmmmm.....I don't know if it came through there, b/c I forgot some of the conversation, but the gist of her initial reply was that I was going to have to wait til tomorrow...thank God *again* that I didn't have to wait til tomorrow. I'd a been a nervous wreck.

So this is what an emotional rollercoaster feels like? I'll stick to my news channels, courtTV, novels, exercise, work and enjoying life. No drama or amusement parks needed, with a day like today who needs soap operas or Astroworld?