Haute Mom to Twin boys!

no more blues~11/14/06 BLUE 04/17/06

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Location: H Town, Texas, United States

38 y/o married to my best friend since 9/12/1998; We met in 1992. Married in 1998; I'm a '91 graduate of the Univ. of Houston. Working on Masters degree in French Literature when I met the love of my life! He was in law school. I left my job in 1996 to work w/him when he opened his Law firm. Married in 1998. Working on our "family" diligently & actively since June 2004; 2 miscarriages, one Sept 2004 and another Dec 2004; Break from TTC per doctor's orders in Jan 2005; resumed family planning once all genetic testing was completed. March 2005 BFN; April 2005 BFN! May 2005 BFN! June 2005? Doc had "the" talk with us, if no bfp this cycle, it's on to IVF --test tube baby for us? maybe! Update: July 2005 underwent 1st IVF cycle, with SUCCESS! We conceived two beautiful little boys, born March 30, 2006 via emergency c-section. I am now wallowing in the joys of early motherhood. That is, lack of sleep, fatigue. My compensation? Smiles from the babies in the middle of the night... 11/14/2006: Babies are now 7 1/2 months old and I couldn't be more happy!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I pulled the trigger

I did it, I confess, I pulled the trigger. I knew it had to be done, it was just a matter of time. I went into the bedroom and there he was, my husband of 6 years, lying in bed taking his usual after-work nap. I approached him quietly, my heart racing wildly as I held it firmly in my hand. As I got closer to him, I began to have flashbacks of all the good times we've shared together, twelve years together just he & I alone, a couple. Twelve years marked with plenty of ups and just a few downs. Still, I knew that there was no turning back, this needed to be done. I got closer still, and as I did, he turned his head toward me and slowly opened his eyes. All I could see was a blank stare. He eyes panned to my hand and saw I was holding it, then, his eyes slowly met mine. He was terrified, horrified even.... I bent over him and whispered "it's me or you" He refused, said hell no, adamantly begging me to get away. He didn't want to see as I did it either. Said he preferred it that way. So he turned his head away, and I did it, I pulled the trigger. When it was over, I looked at the clock and it was 7:00pm. Just like that, it was over. The deed was done and there was nothing I could do about it. After all was said & done, my husband lay there and after a long silence, he spoke. "I don't see how you can do it". "Easy" I replied, "I've given myself plenty of shots in my life." And I walked away to get back onto the computer to chart my deed.

Intermission......

Act I is over and now we've recessed for Act II. Tomorrow at 9:00am I'm seeing Dr. G, an affair we've been carrying on since last summer. I can't help it but when I see him, I feel the urge to undress.....must be because everytime I see him, I end up naked & under the sheets. My husband doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he has encouraged our relationship all along. But.....this affair has to end, it MUST. But there is only one way it will end, if I finally get PREGNANT! My husband said he would still love me if I end up pregnant. I love him for that. But Dr. G, his heart will be broken, what will I do??? I MUST tell Dr. G the truth, my husband has my heart and no matter what happens, I would never leave my husband.....I'm sure he'll understand. He has to.

Act II continued tomorrow....stay tuned.....

I saw him today and immediately, I felt pangs of regret. I felt that what I had to to was too cruel. I had to be stoic. How will he react? will he be okay? I resolved myself that I would be okay and that is all that mattered. After all, I have been waiting a lifetime and the chance was finally here. Nothing was going to get in my way now. I told him gently that it had to end. This relationship of ours had gone too far. The endless worrying had me at my wits end. Worrying that we'll get caught? No, of course not. Worrying that I won't get what I wanted out of this relationship. A child. All I needed was his expertise one last time. He wondered why our relationship had to occur in a medical setting. I finally confessed. I needed him to accomplish my goals, my ambition in life, my destiny....to be a mother.

And so was the end of the doctor-patient relationship.......

Does this story have a happy ending? Time will tell.....

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