It's all Greek to me

fudge, i lost my previous post.....in summary, I went over to the pregnancy boards today. Why? I have no idea. What happened? how did I feel? I felt scared. That feeling came over me and it was dreadful. I saw my old chart, I would have been 22 weeks pregnant this week. That chart took me back even further than that, I would have been due this month in April. Yes, my first miscarriage was long ago. I can't remember how I felt when I looked over at the scan to see a fuzzy picture of what I could tell was MY baby. only that there was only stillness...I knew it, I had felt that uncertainty the Saturday night before when I woke up in the middle of the night and felt uneasy.. Then the doc brought it to reality for me...no heartbeat. All I remember was shock. Then a quick second pregnancy just 8 weeks later (edited), with obsession over every symptom or lack thereof until the next miscarriage. So here I am, sitting here at 11 or 12 dpo *still unsure* obsessing over every symptom that I finally had to blog it all out. Here's what I've posted for today's symptoms in the itsy bitsy crawl space that they give me for today, April 3rd.

really fatigued this morning; knocked right out as soon as I got home from dinner; slept fine til 4 then needed to pee; slept a good 8-9 hours so no reason to be this tired; 2pm still very tired; bought the hpt's tomorrow i will tell. funny how you can "feel" it, I can't b/c Im afraid to. temp at 4pm 98.4; rlq pain; frequent need to "P"; lbp on left, sharp shoot real quick; 7pm gas-like sharp pain in rt abdomen "in the middle" not by the rlq but higher up by the ribs.

All of it made sense at each post but reading back it's just a series of senseless thoughts put in writing... All I know is that as I sit here I'm really fatigued, not tired. No, I've been plenty tired in my life. this is fatigue,this is different. I've got heartburn, that is easily explained, I ate Taco Bell earlier, there, explained away that one. What I haven't posted are the symptoms that I DON'T feel, like sore bb's or nausea. *well I had imaginary-nausea yesterday and Im not counting that* But actual pregnancy symptoms that I can hang my hat on. Even the LLQ and RLQ pains have subsided to mere twinges here and there, sometimes they disappear altogether and other times they sneak up on me for seconds at a time. But still not the blaring neon-sign-type symptom that I've been wanting. I've searched and analyzed pregnancy charts. I've questioned every aspect of my fertility. Does my cm point to pregnancy? no. Does my chart "look" like a pregnancy chart? no. Do I have an implantation dip? no. My temp dropped today is that bad? yes. What do the pregnancy charts have that I don't have? I don't know. Having been on FF since Aug 2004, having posted hundreds of times and read even more posts than that, I must confess, it's all Greek to me.