RIP Molly

I am very very upset. I don't like motorcycles right now. Why does my neighbor always ride down the street so damed fast? He killed my friend, Molly! She was the sweetest dog I had ever met! It could have easily been one of my dogs and that's what is so upsetting. He said she "darted out" into the street, yeah well if you were'nt going 100 miles down a cul de sac it wouldn't turned out this way! I can't begin to say how upsetting this will make my weekend. I stopped by to see Molly all the time, changed my daily route just so I could by her house and see her sitting in the shade, wagging her tail. Here is a pic of Molly, she used to come up to my car and wait for me to hand her treats.


R.I.P. Molly McButter.

The countdown is on...

I've been a thinktank all weekend and this week but have been content letting things play out in my head. For some reason, although I feel blogging is somewhat cathartic, I've loved monologueing in my head much more than I do writing/typing it all out. I've been playing it pretty cool lately, successful in several things I wanted to accomplish, a complete disaster in others. I have not temped this cycle, YAY me! Success Number 1. I have not tested (have not even ventured out to buy tests) YAY Woo Hoo, good CC, good girl..success number 2. BUT, lordy lordy, looks who's gordy. I have gained so much weight I have had someone "comment" about it!~NOT fun, Boo Hiss, Failure #1! I've had a fixation on ice cream lately, and I'm embarrased to say that I currenly have 3, three, tres, trois,tubs of ice cream in my freezer, vanilla, banana pudding and chery vanilla. Oh, and let me not forget the frozen Hersey's kisses or chocolate fudgecicles! UGH! Obsessed with everything icy, cold and sweet! Last night, in an attempt to avoid ice cream, I pulled out my grapes, washed them, sorted out the good ones and starting munching...talk about sour grapges! Ugh! pun intended~ I had to throw them out, I'm not sure if they were sour in reality or a figment of my imagination, but I tried to eat them but just couldn't. I settled on cinnamon sticks and a Perrier, and called it a night.

I preceded last night's attempt at "healthy eating" yesterday at lunch too. I had been asking Eloy to take me to Bonnie's Seafood & Steaks for a VERY long time. Well yesterday, as he & I went through our, "where do you want to go eat" "I don't know" "you decide" ritual, he settled it all by saying "let's go to Bonnies so I can get that off my back once & for all" :) YAY I thought! All the soup & salad I could ask for, plus! So off we went to Bonnies.... Like a good girl, I ordered the Trio (soup, salad & baked potato) Although the grilled shrimp platters called out to me in thunder loud voices, I avoided my usual and strayed for the healthier alternative. One soup later I was dreading it...french onion soup was less than ok. I quickly finished my bowl and didn't bother with going for seconds. The salad bar that I used to love so much was less than what I remembered it was....I quickly finished my salad and waited for more...Finally, out came by baker and much to my chagrin, had a mountain of butter on it!! Uh, could I have some potato with my butter please? I spooned out as much butter as I could and gobbled the potato up, having been left wanting in the soup and salad department.

Today was a busy day. I was up early, got out of the house and to the ofc by 9am; Had 2 appeals to do, and contracts for 3 news clients. I managed to get the contracts out and one of the two appeals. I'm sure I can finish the second appeal tomorrow if I put my mind to it. I came home at noon to pay the cleaning lady and decided to make lunch while I was home. I tried out my new George Foreman Grilleration for the second time, still as nice as the first time. Nice to pop the grill plates out and wash them without having to tug the whole thing to the sink. The sponge/wipe thing never worked for me, so I usually dipped my grill in the sink with running water. Today I made steaks, corn, white rice and spinach. We had some left over Gut busters from Sundays' BBQ. For dessert, we had sliced peaches. It was nice to come home to a clean house and make a nice relaxing lunch. In light of yesterdays butter bash, today's lunch was a nice alternative.

So, having a good time waiting until Saturday's test date~the countdown is on.... Plans are to test early Saturday morning. Still wondering if I should start temping just to find out where I am on the chart, at least give me an idea? Much to my chagrin, I know that if I get a bfn, I'll have to turn to IVF as my final option. Although the doc said injectibles would give us marginally better results than IUI, Eloy wants to go for the gusto. I agree. Although it will be emotional, I know that it probably is the best route for us to go. IVF...whodathunkit.

Looked at buying new carpet Sunday. Plan on going to a few more places before I make my final decisions. QWe have 1300 square feet of carpet that we need, to cover the 4 bedrooms. (3 bedrooms and converted bedroom to study) I want a nice berber, probably nylon since wool will give me nice shocks every time I touch something. I really can't wait, our carpet it a mess. It's been through raising 5 dogs, training, whelping you name it. Tango doesn't help the situation, she sheds more than the pups put together.

Tonight we watched the President's speech on the war in Iraq. Turns out, the guy isn't so bad after all. I get great opportunities to laugh my butt off at some of his gaffs, but all in all, he's cool. This coming from a Republican in Democrats clothing...

tata for now, posting more pics of my cuties as babies~

The good ol' days

My pups @ about 4 weeks of age. Born July 5, 2002, these pics show that I submitted them for developing on Aug 3, 2002 so I guess they were no older than 4 weeks old here. Qiqi whelped them in the bedroom, where we had a crate waiting for her to be able to nurture, feed and raise them until they are old enough to fend for themlselves.



I love the pics with Qiqi nearby, she was soo protective of them in their beany weeks. She always made sure Joey was no where around, that the pups had her near in case they cried or were hungry.... This pic is cute, the pups started playing with each other no too long before these pics were taken, took them I believe 2 weeks before they're eyes opened. After that, it's been a fun fun ride with all 5!

Last pic you can see our Chest was chewed on! The chewing was Qiqi & Joey's fault, not the pups.. Qiqi & Joey grew out of chewing on everything quickly, but not before a few memories were created...

Furbabies

I've been taking lots of pics of my furbabies. This morning I took some of DH & Qiqi, too cute! I often kid with Qiqi and tell her "that's MY husband!" DH gets a big kick out of it.

& earlier this morning Qiqi & I were having fun on the kitchen floor, in my jammies and all!

Here's my brood enjoying their pig ears. Note the missing one, Zeke, he's a loner, and eats his pigear by the frig!



Qiqi this morning, playing with Tango's (our cat) toy mouse!

What's even cuter is how she was spread out on the carpet! I say she has drumstick legs, you?

Happy Father's Day~!

Gotta wish all Father's a Happy Day today. What a wonderful idea, to set apart one day to appreciate & celebrate the Father's across the country! Dad is 75 this year, will be 76 on September 3rd. We went out & got him some clothes & shoes, the usual for me. Bought FIL a BBQ pit & some bermuda shorts. We're taking the IL's to lunch and we'll be going over to Mom&Dad's about 2pm or so.

Wanted to update the details on yesterday's IUI. Had my scan, showed both follies on the right had ovulated. Left was still there, doc said possibly could join the game (& this morning I'm cramping on the left, so I think it's happening). Lining was 10mm. SA was 122 million/15 million post wash~I think we need higher numbers but doc added caffeine (Platelet activating factor~PAF) to the mix, making those 15 million extra speedy. Had the IUI about 10:30am or so.

Doc had "the" talk with us. Femara will work by the 4th round or not expected to work....we're on the 4th. Said to have HPT or wait for AF by 2 weeks from Monday (4th of July??). If AF does show, said we need to sit down & talk about what we need to do next. Said it could be a problem with the egg (poor quality); the sperm fertilizing the egg; or a tubal factor. WTF? another possible problem? OK. I can handle it, just tell me what it is, none of this "unexplained" infertility that I'm dealing with now. But doc, I thought, we had two pregnancies last year....yeah whatever, things change. Told doc we needed to hurry up and get pg cause I was turning a year older this year. He said, that's the thing, everyone has a birthday every year...yeah so I thought, not everyone is trying to get pg, with eggs that are wilting away with each passing day either. AND I'm entering the NEXT subset of testing data, currently in the test phase of women 35-37; whose IVF results are significantly different than those of women 38-40.... Oh well, maybe doc thinks we'll get pg this cycle and we won't have to worry about the "next" birthday. YES, I'll keep that in mind.

Still LLQ pain this morning, ovulating??? maybe. Hoping that I have "2" ovulation cycles. For now, need coffee. Eloy is upstairs working out (went up at 6am!) he's so committed. What I need to do is get my a** up there and work off some of this 6 pounds I've earned in the last 2 weeks!

Took some furbaby family pics yesterday...post then later. My bunch is too cute!

Headache...

I've had a headache all day..when I say all day, I mean, from the moment I opened my eyes this morning til now as I sit here typing...a headache that has had me wincing all day in pain. Came home from work and napped for about 3 1/2 hours...all this overshadowing what was a wonderful morning, peeking in to see my little ones as they make their way to maturation....

So, I get to the doc's office at 8:45am and I'm in the room by 8:56am, not too shabby...by 9:20 or so, I can't remember anymore, I was having my scan with Dr. G, assisted by a medical student in her residency now. She's lucky, interning with the best of the best. Dr. G founded the ART clinic at OGA over 20 years ago...and has been at his finest in Houston since returning from his residency in California. OGA has built a new building and will be moving late Sept/early October. Dr. G said he'll finally have a window after 24 years in the current building.... Ok, back to me....my ovaries responded well this time to Femara 5g; I had 2 follicles on the right, one big one measuring in at 21mm and another trailing behind at 15mm. The left ovary fell behind this time with just one follicle, measuring 16mm. Doc Rx the Ovidrel trigger and I had that about 9:45am or so... I'm scheduled for IUI on Saturday morning at 8:30am. Apparently, myself and one other patient will be there. I overheard her getting her trigger done just a few minutes before mine...hoping we both are blessed with bfp's this month....

My headache overwhelmed me and I was out of the office within an hour and home in bed before I knew it. I figured it out, about an hour ago, I switched to decaf...could this be a result of caffeine withdrawal??? Damn, caffeine is a powerful drug! I think I'll stop by Starbucks in the morning, I'm not going through this another day, nope, not one more day...

8pm, time to feed the troop!

Deleted post on 06/15/05-TMI

Hmmm...not much going on in this little world of mine. We went to see Mr. & Mrs. Smith Friday night....I give it two thumbs up, comedy, action, some romance, and all the eye candy you could ever ask for! Brad & Angelina=hot. Good chemistry on screen and off I'm sure.

Dinner last night was delicious...I ordered fajita nachos and they brought me fajitas! Oh well. I brought most of it home. I did order a huge dessert, double fudge brownie with a scoop of ice cream! Twas delightful! Came home & was so sleepy I dozed off & missed SNL AGAIN! :(

Qiqi will be turning 4 in August, but I can't help reminiscing on her younger years. Here, the day we brought her home, she was licking her chops after i gave her a treat.....

3 and a half years later, she has neatly snuggled into our hearts....it's hard to believe she lost so much of her black coat...



on day 5 of Femara....minimal headaches this time around, switched to taking it in the evenings. Scan on Thursday to take a look-see at all of my little egg-babies!

Today, I'm running errands, groceries, sundries...office to drop off the mail and pick up the file for tomorrow's Jury selection....

Two words: FAT CAT



and to think that she used to be this small...




Day 3 of Letrozole *familiarly known as Femara* and I've got some back pain and bilateral abdominal pain, don't know why so early....continue meds til Monday then Scan on Thursday. Looks like I'm headed to a weekend IUI, possibly on Father's Day....

More later, gotta watch the NBA Finals, Go Spurs Go!

Mind, Body & Soul

Got up to the gym this morning, unplanned and spontaneous. Only did a mile on the treadmill but its definitely a start. 80 cals 25 fat. Plan on moving up to my usual 2 miles, 300+ calories and 100 fat. DH was surprised to see me up there. He exercises Mon through Fri will very few exceptions. He's got a clad-iron will and determination that I admire.

Exercise & Nutrition. Moved back up the scale up to 134, the gym was exactly what I needed this morning. Last night I woke up about midnight and had a stomachache, probably from the food I had yesterday and Sunday. (Taqueria Mexico & Niko Niko's Greek) Although yummy, it was definitely heavier food than I need to be eating. Probably will go for a subway today. So far, this morning I've had coffee (3/4 cup with about 1/8 of coffeemate) Will have my usual OJ and probably will go ahead and make some egg(beater)s to enjoy before going off to work. Today, getting ready for the deposition set for Thursday morning. Boring. Business is steady considering the law changes that we'll see enacted by September. Hoping the changes will spur clients to seek legal assistance earlier in their claims!

Tonight, start Femara...

Sunday I woke up and just dug my heels in to start getting the 2 years worth of filing done....it was a great start. Started by separating everything, then actually filed most of it. I have a lot of miscellaneous stuff that I need to create files for. Looking at everything, I noticed that I was able to close out a lot of credit cards/not using them anymore. No more Macy's, Pier 1, Target, Casual Corner, Foley's, Wells Fargo, Old Navy, Express.....shall I go on? But I do still have a select few with high balances that I need to whittle down.

Off to shower. In addition to getting my body in shape, I've decided to limit my time on the p.c. to get my mind off of TTC so much. Yesterday I felt such a relief to get IVF off my back, it was almost toxic. I wish I could just forget about TTC altogether, let nature happen, but I know that doing that will almost ensure a childless marriage. So, I'll be doing what it takes to make our dreams come true, but mitigating the ill effects by consciously prying myself from the very source of my obsession.

Pok Pok, chick chick chick chicken

Yup, backed out of IVF....hmmm....too much too soon? Probably. Scooting the schedule back some just for a breather. Everything was stacking up quickly....so much so that I was overwhelmed....Femara for another month, which I don't mind at all. It gives me the breathing room that I need, felt pressure, chest felt tight, very very stressful, more than I could ever have imagined. I just have not been prepped by the doc like I feel I should have been. You know, the sit down, lay it all out on the table;
Our medical history and what it means to our fertility
Two miscarriages/origins/what they mean to my fertility
Testing: results, interpretation and what they mean to our fertility
3 rounds of Femara, all failures, why?
IVF vs. continued Femara or Injectibles vis a vis expected results
IVF protocol, schedule, medications, what to expect, costs (physical, mental, emotional and financial)
Need a stress reliever (relaxation course, yoga, exercise?)

To be honest, I just need someone to hold my hand through this whole process. Just walk me through, step by step, inch by painstaking itsy bitsy inch. And I just don't think I'm going to get that. So I opted to remain where I feel safe....with Femara and IUI. After all, this month wasn't do or die, DH & I have some time on our hands. Although I must admit I did mention just resting this cycle and DH said NO. He did not want to rest, did not want to waste this month or give up a potential bfp. I was touched, moved and in awe at my husband, he's the best....

I did make one change NO temping for me (ok except maybe during the 2nd of the 2ww :) )
I am breathing a sigh of relief that I am in familiar territory with Femara...and with our trial schedule this month, Lord knows I didn't need any additional stressors in my life. Going through IVF would've been like tanning during a heat stroke...

Baby Showers and Test Tube Baby's

Baby Shower #2 pics! Had a lot of fun, good food, fun games and lots of ooh's and aawww's on the baby shower gifts. Antoinette & Al have been blessed with many friends & family who have literally showered them with love.
We got them the crib bedding & a lamp. They're now pretty much set. I think they need one more car seat for the 2nd car and of course diapers!


Some pics, only a few as I was busy videotaping!

Before this pic, he went around with the dress, he loved it so much he walked around with it. here he took the bloomers and did the same. It was trulu a beautiful dress.

Al thanking everyone, and a bit shy about it!

I loved the theme! it was tres chic & retro, a reflection of Sis Adrienne's taste! Looks like we got stiff competition!

Your truly video taping/eating/oohing and awwwing!


ME:
As for me, I'm onto the IVF cycle I've been talking about. Test Tube Baby is in my future :)
$7,000.00 IVF costs, plus about $1500.00 in medications. Emotional/physical costs are immeasurable but a baby in arms is priceless...

DH said today he wants to move forward, and this is what we need to do. Of course, through prayer all things are possible. I just need to put my faith in His hands and take what he hands me.....

Doomsday has arrived

Well, today I'm 14dpo, All BFN's and AF is about to arrive for an uninvited stay....

Feeling strained lately...don't know whether, given the situation I/We should pursue IVF. Although DH had expressed a strong desire to get on with the show, he's been awfully quiet about it...almost sense he's wanting to avoid the topic, so I haven't brought it up.

He didn't ask my temp this morning. He always does. Doesn't want to hear it. Guess I'll just coast today until I see he wants to broach the subject, or until he brings it up....

I'm wondering how this will affect our marriage, if at all. I'm battling between a strong desire to have a baby in the family and risking the family we already have created. My dogs/cat do fill a void I've had, but the transference I have is not healthy.

For today I'm going to be the wife I've always been. I can't eat drink and breathe this infertility all day. There is a life to live here, although at times I want someone to stop this world and let me get off.....

Four of the five outside, looking in, begging to come in;

Max during privilege time with his hoof;

I always seem to catch Mew Mew in a Meow

Qiqi should be outside but instead is on the sofa in the study (right in front of me) and on her favorite pillow;
More of Max enjoying his hoof, he gets a good handle on it and there's no stopping him....

I wonder when these pics will reduce on their own?

PS; starting to have AF cramps, {{{{{{{{{{{{ ding dong the witch is here, which ol' witch, the mean ol' witch, ding dong the wicked witch is here!}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Temp spikes hope dips

I woke up so psyched this morning, my temp soared to 98.56 on 13dpo, great news!! woo hoo! Heaven has answered my prayers....for a few minutes, my life was yay, wonderful. I got the cheesiest grin on my face, smiling from ear to ear....so I got up and waddled to my hall closet, pulled out the hpt test & peecup, destiny: to the toilet & beyond! A few minutes later, I came spiraling spiraling back to earth, I landed hard.....

I'm beginning to want to back out of IVF, feeling a lot of pressure, stress. I need more time...I need more time. I'll have to call the nurse and ask if the doc would consider giving me more time.....

Insult to injury

Adding insult to injury today we got a call from our CPA. Our 2004 taxes are done and ready for pick up (we requested an extension) So, I was excited, yay! Maybe we'll get a nice refund that we could use toward IVF....NO. We owe over $8k; that's right, as if Uncle Sam doesn't already take what he can from the business, he pilked our personal return too.....

IVF seems to be floating further and further away....

Before I found out that we owed the IRS, I went to pick up my IVF packet from the doc's office. It didn't have much I already didn't know about. What I really wanted was a sample protocol/schedule and costs...got big fat zero of that.

On a brighter note, received a really nice visit today from a long time client. He said he had something for me, and gave me a small wrapped gift. I opened it. He said he knows that I want something and inside the gift is all I need to achieve that. We didn't go into specifics but I know he was talking about a family. Not just a baby, a family. I welled up in tears. I don't know him well enough for him to have done this on his own. He talked to me about stress and the need to relax. I must show it on my face...I feel/walk/talk like a zombie nowawdays....I am so thankful he came by and brought not just this gift, but a gift of hope. He gave me a big hug and I went back into the office. I truly believe that his visit/message is a sign from above to not lose hope. How could he possibly have known what I am going through? Inside my little wrapped surprise was a small box and inside a beautiful red rosary. It was been blessed by our late Pope John Paul II. (rest in peace) He got it while in Rome last year....There are no words to explain this visit today other than simply divine.....

On yesterday's bleak note. The NEWS was wrong about some details. Apparently it was the baby who was thrown from the car, and died. He wasn't 6 weeks old, he was 2 years old. Jacob was formally charged today with felony murder *of his own son* Not that any details really matter, what's real is that one beautiful soul is gone and anothers will be wasted away in prison....Still sending wishes to his family, both sides.

More of the same

So instead of waiting to test a few more days, I caved into the urge and got my just desserts....


12dpo and counting down now. Plan to call the nurse today & ask if I can pick up an IVF packet today, and request the bcp Rx.....maybe she'll have pity on me and order a beta just to keep me from suffering the next 48-72 hours..... Last 2 pregnancies, got bfp's at 12dpo; Letting my imaginary symptoms get the best of me seems to be a recurrent theme of mine.

In bleaker news: My best friend from high school was Tina. Yesterday, in the news Tina's brother Jacob was arrested for intoxication manslaughter/felony murder for the death of his 6 week old baby boy Nicholas. He apparently kidnapped his estranged wife, but later escaped at a nearby McDonald's. He apparently went back to her parents home and took the two kids (4 year old is not his, hers from a previous relationship) and drove off, later crashing into a concrete barrier where the 4 yearl old was ejected from the car but survived the crash. 6 week old Nicholas was found in the front seat, without a car seat, dead from his injuries. I remember Jacob in Elementary school and junior high. It is a devastating story and I couldn't help be shocked and dismayed and yet totally moved for Tina, her mom, dad and sister. My thoughts and prayers are also with the baby's mother and family.


Texas Penal code
Sec. 19.02. MURDER. (a) In this section:
~ ~ (1) "Adequate cause" means cause that would commonly produce a degree of anger, rage, resentment, or terror in a person of ordinary temper, sufficient to render the mind incapable of cool reflection.
~ ~ (2) "Sudden passion" means passion directly caused by and arising out of provocation by the individual killed or another acting with the person killed which passion arises at the time of the offense and is not solely the result of former provocation.
~ (b) A person commits an offense if he:
~ ~ (1) intentionally or knowingly causes the death of an individual;
~ ~ (2) intends to cause serious bodily injury and commits an act clearly dangerous to human life that causes the death of an individual; or
~ ~ (3) commits or attempts to commit a felony, other than manslaughter, and in the course of and in furtherance of the commission or attempt, or in immediate flight from the commission or attempt, he commits or attempts to commit an act clearly dangerous to human life that causes the death of an individual.
~ (c) Except as provided by Subsection (d), an offense under this section is a felony of the first degree.

At the punishment stage of a trial, the defendant may raise the issue as to whether he caused the death under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause. If the defendant proves the issue in the affirmative by a preponderance of the evidence, the offense is a felony of the second degree.

Texas Penal Code § 12.32 provides that punishment for a first-degree felony is imprisonment for five to 99 years or life, plus a fine of up to $10,000. Texas Penal Code § 12.33 provides that punishment for a second-degree felony is imprisonment for two to twenty years, plus a fine of up to $10,000.

link:http://www.click2houston.com/news/4548894/detail.html