The Waiting Game

The last few days have gone by quickly, Wednesday was a quick out of town day-trip, thurs & fri tired from the trip. Today, plans to select the baby shower cake & hopefully make all the bows for the baby shower.....Nothing else to report other than this waiting game is almost at its end.

To get my mind off of "me"

Earlier today I caught Tango napping in this position. She was a hoot:

Ever see someone fall off the wagon? Well this is what it looks like (Julia Robert in America's Sweethearts)

I cant' help myself anymore. I can't get to work early, I can't think when I am at work and I can't stay at work for long before wanting to come home and curl up and sleep. I feel like a zombie and I have a week still before I'll find out if I'm pregnant; Tomorrow we'll be out of town and that will be my only saving grace. Thursday will get me one day closer to the weekend where the days go by quickly. Then hopefully before I know it, it will be Monday. Even then I'll only be 11DPO & probably still too early to test. To that end, I've been charting/logging every twinge I feel but honestly, if I had to take a wild stab at it, I'd guess that I'm not pregnant.

I can't even get my nails done cause I can't stand the thought of sitting there for an hour! I would want to get up and take their computer hostage just to stare at my chart, wondering if something will magically spring out at me from the monitor and give me a sign, a clue, anything....

I gave myself a reason to come home from work today, to find the Award ticket and reserve my seat for tomorrow's trip...yet I came home, undressed and jumped into bed. Eloy was supposed to pick me up and we were going to have lunch, except I wouldn't get up. He came home and napped with me for about 30 minutes then got up and left. He picked up a Subway on his way back to work. He was very thoughtful about it & didn't seem too concerned or put out about the change in plans. I slept in a little more then finally got up & put some sweats on and heated up leftovers & sat down here to tell you all about this madness I'm going through right now. I'll need to get back up to work to gather Eloy's ticket and car reservation paperwork for tomorrow. And I guess I'll do my own nails while sitting here instead. He doesn't want me getting "Lee Press-On's" as he calls them. I was just gonna get a manicure/pedicure so I could wear my open toe shoes tomorrow but I'll just have to think of wearing something else. I called him as I heated my lunch, to tell him I felt guilty for staying home. He said not to worry about it. Worry? who me?

OK so I lost part of my post for "previewing" then accidently clicking out of blogger! No worry, um, I mean, oh well. Lost is lost so I won't bother with it.

Now to finish this pint of Buttered Pecan ice cream....

Rainy day

Phew. Long day. Started with some not so good news about a friend then work and fatigue followed by over-eating then home to surf the net and to "post" imaginary symptoms about a non-existent (or not-yet existent) pregnancy on my chart. It rained here today and was generally smucky.

Did some more Baby shower shopping Sat, Sun & today. Got the toys/items that will go into the Guessing Game Bags that will be marked with letters that will spell out B-A-B-Y S-H-O-W-E-R; Each bag will be decorated with a Baby emblem on it and I'll have to number the backs of two (duplicate letter B's); bought more ribbon and decorations; Having fun so far. We went & looked at cakes Saturday and last night & today spent a good part of the day surfing the web for pics of cakes to take to the Bakery for ideas.

On the TTC front, still in this dastardly 2 week wait. 10 days to go before I test. Of course, that's the cookie cutter time frame. We all know that I will be POAS in just about 7 days. ok 6 maybe 5.

Other than that, off to rest, watch the news and play Gameboy. Then to feed the troop and watch more TV tonight. Long week ahead. Will be flying out on Wednesday.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Angel Baby.....today was your due date. You had a disease that would have made your life full of obstacles and that is why the good Lord decided to spare you the suffering. You were such a cute little peanut. we had named you Vanessa Olivia after we found out you were a little girly. We will no doubt use that to name your namesake in your memory as you touched our lives in the short period you were with us. We love you dearly. I will always miss my little peanut.



The cutest little fuzzy baby to meet mommies eyes....happy birthday angel. Hope you're happy playing in God's playground...til we met again some day, we'll be missing you.

Love, Mommie & Daddy

Fun

Eloy & I had so much fun last night; We headed out for a late dinner *8pm* and ended up at L'il Gringo's Mexican Restaurant where we had a 45 minunte wait to get seated. We parked right up front & sat in our car with the windows down & "people watched," commenting back & forth, not mean spirited or anything, just laughing together about everything we saw. It was great. We ended up at a table near a TV and were able to watch the Cardinals & Astros' game and the 6th inning stretch of 2 outs and bases loaded twice until the Card's brought out Tavarez, equally known for his temper & ability to shut down the Astros with his screeching fireballs. They have free ice cream/cones and we ended up finishing our meal and taking in a cone while we watched the ending of the 6th inning show-down. We enjoyed many laughs and a couple of high-fives & were generally content during our dinner.

We got home & I fed the troop & we settled in to watch the 10 o'clock news & Jay Leno then nestled in for a good night's sleep.

This morning, i've been busy washing clothes, mopping, cleaning the bathroom & I'm about to start filing my year's build up of paperwork. I need to find out 1099 for the house interest for the CPA, we got an extension but I'll need to find it sooner or later.

Other than that, I should be on my way out to look at Baby shower cakes & Stein Mart to see what I can pick up to add to my spring wardrobe. I need to find material for the bedspread & get it over to get sewn & back on the bed (bad Sasha bad) and then over to the tailors to hem the numerous slacks I have that are too long *I'm a shorty, 5'4") then tonight, we're going to the movies to see the Interpreter or Sahara.

P.S. Our trip to L.A. was canceled since SIL had a bookfair/convention she would be attending all weekend & was having a friend over this weekend. Apparently Madeline Allbright & Arianna Huffington are speaking at the conference at UCLA and she goes every year, never misses it. I plan on using my ticket Wed to fly with Eloy to the Valley. It'll give me a chance to go see my aunt who's in the hospital. Speaking to mom & dad yesterday, she's feeling lonely. They've made two trips to see her this month and it is a 6 hour drive. Luckily we'll be flying in on a 1hour plane ride. Maybe I'll take a quick trip over the border & shop while Eloy is in his hearings.

Ok, enough chatter boxing for this morning. Post more later. Very busy day.

2ww

It's all over....now I have a 2 week wait that will be filled with many days of speculation, conjecture, hope and faith. DH & I began discussions last night on finishing the remodeling of the house and so, the next few weeks will be that....remodeling.

1st, the kitchen cabinets. History: Had cabinet refacing done June 2003; contractor ran wityh our money. $5k with partial job done. Still need crown molding, finishing touches of the new cabinet doors, including alignment and all kitchen hardware; glass put in the cabinets that were left without glass (I had already picked it out) I've been without since; replacement of missing drawer cover for under the bar; finalizing of the molding above kitchen sink & placement of wood moldings in front of the bar; Clean-up required; removal of stains left by contractor on my counter-tops & tile floor.

Next, new Granite counter-tops (waiting for cabinets to be finished) This will require removal of existing Laminate counter-tops & new granite tops with new backsplash all around the cabinet area, bar area and around stovetop. New sink(s)- main sink & bar sink; (previous job estimate (12k)

Finally, re-grouting of the kitchen tile & professional cleaning of the existing tile.

2nd project in the breakfast/kitchen;

1)Pick out lighting fixture for the breakfast & over the island in kitchen;
2)Decision for wall-paper or paint breakfast
3)Drapery for breakfast & sink windows
4)New breakfast table & accessories for area

3rd project (DH's project)
Finalizing re-wiring of garage & new light areas
Re-paint garage
New flooring for garage (non-slip flooring)
New light fixtures for stairwell leading to upstairs gym (over garage)

Pending projects
A)Removal of carpet in master & study with reconditioning of wood flooring
B)New area rugs for master & study
C)Removal of carpet for DSD room & nursery with new installation of berber
D)BIGGEST PROJECT: Master bath: Complete tear out of existing bath, sell old jacuzzi tub, complete make-over to include: Shower with sitting area, jacuzzi tub, toilet & sink and tile/marble/granite. (last estimate $9K)
E)Bath in hall: need complete overhaul, less bells n whistles than masterbath
F)Complete decoration of den including sitting area by fireplace
G)Baby grand piano -formal living
H)Furniture -formal living (yes it's empty)
I)Drapes for formal living & formal dining
J)Foyer, mirror & table
K)Complete re-grout of marble in foyer
L)Repaint exterior of 2nd floor/gym (chipping paint)
M)Repair of broken sprinklers
N)Removal of two magnolia trees, transplant to backyard & new palms in their place
O) New house ! (it would be cheaper :) but I can't convince DH)
P) New patio furniture *DH gave old set to IL's*

I remember why I've felt so overwhelmed. I feel that this house has been pending since we've moved in. To think that all these projects are pending and we've done ALOT so far....I could list them but the list of completed projects is just as long!) I have no idea why I've been so patient. MIL asks all the time, have you finished the cabinets? NO. Have you gotten drapes? NO. yada yada yada. I've been concentrating on TTC for the last year and the year before that was filled with CHILD SUPPORT LAWSUIT for DSD. ($1,600 a month until May 2009, yes you read right, $1,600 for one child) So the increase in support was retroactive to June 2003 ($13k) & we finalized the case in June 2004. (we had to pay her atty $20k) That $20k was DSD's car/college fund, depleted. The only one who will suffer is DSD, but her wicked witch didn't care. Anyway, we also pay the mortgage & taxes on IL's home(will be ours when they pass on) So, I haven't had TIME to think about house projects! Now, we can settle in to doing these things since everything has stabilized.....just monthly payments now. We completed our lease in San Antonio as of this month. no more lease payments! AHHHHH! thinking about all this in one sitting has me needing more coffee.....

Post more later since I'm on overload....

On to brighter things

I have sooo much to post about the last two days but I have no energy to go through the details so I'm going to summarize it all.

Wed --left the door unlocked to the Pup's crate with Zeke Max & Qiqi in it. Well......DH came home to find all three roaming the house like nomads, free reign of the house ALL DAY and having stopped at every nook & cranny to pee or poop. My bed was a mess, they had nuzzled into all the pillows and the sofa looked like a groundhog had tunneled through it. I spent the better part of the evening cleaning up after them...the little rascals.

Thurs--Today I had my IUI. It was exciting, got to see the left ovary in the ovulation process! It was soo neat. The good thing is that the doc said that the right ovary showed ovulation had occured and we were seeing the left doing it! So I hope to see twice as nice results this month! As doc said to DH "let's see if you can come up to bat twice in one inning" YES! Batter batter batter swing! Plan on one more BD for this evening....

Also finally got Full Ferning on my salivascope! It was a sight to see. I was excited since I'd been testing for days with dismal results...

Also got a VERY positive OPK yesterday. I tested at work and thought, ok negative. But when I got home I was explaining OPK's to DH and I pulled out the other negative tests and realized, hey! the line on this one is darked on the LEFT. DUH!! It was positive! I hadn't remembered which side was supposed to be the indicator so when I was at work I saw one line lighter than the other and thought, oh well you get the point....Needless to say I was jumping for joy at the + OPK....

Well that's it in a nutshell.

Dork of the Day

I am such a dork, yesterday's post started as a joke on my trigger shot for ovulation and turned into a very bad B rated joke... NO, I didn't shoot my husband & no there is no affair with the doc...let's move on.....

I pulled the trigger

I did it, I confess, I pulled the trigger. I knew it had to be done, it was just a matter of time. I went into the bedroom and there he was, my husband of 6 years, lying in bed taking his usual after-work nap. I approached him quietly, my heart racing wildly as I held it firmly in my hand. As I got closer to him, I began to have flashbacks of all the good times we've shared together, twelve years together just he & I alone, a couple. Twelve years marked with plenty of ups and just a few downs. Still, I knew that there was no turning back, this needed to be done. I got closer still, and as I did, he turned his head toward me and slowly opened his eyes. All I could see was a blank stare. He eyes panned to my hand and saw I was holding it, then, his eyes slowly met mine. He was terrified, horrified even.... I bent over him and whispered "it's me or you" He refused, said hell no, adamantly begging me to get away. He didn't want to see as I did it either. Said he preferred it that way. So he turned his head away, and I did it, I pulled the trigger. When it was over, I looked at the clock and it was 7:00pm. Just like that, it was over. The deed was done and there was nothing I could do about it. After all was said & done, my husband lay there and after a long silence, he spoke. "I don't see how you can do it". "Easy" I replied, "I've given myself plenty of shots in my life." And I walked away to get back onto the computer to chart my deed.

Intermission......

Act I is over and now we've recessed for Act II. Tomorrow at 9:00am I'm seeing Dr. G, an affair we've been carrying on since last summer. I can't help it but when I see him, I feel the urge to undress.....must be because everytime I see him, I end up naked & under the sheets. My husband doesn't seem to mind. In fact, he has encouraged our relationship all along. But.....this affair has to end, it MUST. But there is only one way it will end, if I finally get PREGNANT! My husband said he would still love me if I end up pregnant. I love him for that. But Dr. G, his heart will be broken, what will I do??? I MUST tell Dr. G the truth, my husband has my heart and no matter what happens, I would never leave my husband.....I'm sure he'll understand. He has to.

Act II continued tomorrow....stay tuned.....

I saw him today and immediately, I felt pangs of regret. I felt that what I had to to was too cruel. I had to be stoic. How will he react? will he be okay? I resolved myself that I would be okay and that is all that mattered. After all, I have been waiting a lifetime and the chance was finally here. Nothing was going to get in my way now. I told him gently that it had to end. This relationship of ours had gone too far. The endless worrying had me at my wits end. Worrying that we'll get caught? No, of course not. Worrying that I won't get what I wanted out of this relationship. A child. All I needed was his expertise one last time. He wondered why our relationship had to occur in a medical setting. I finally confessed. I needed him to accomplish my goals, my ambition in life, my destiny....to be a mother.

And so was the end of the doctor-patient relationship.......

Does this story have a happy ending? Time will tell.....

Eventful day

Today we embarked on our newest endevour to conceive. Tonight, I will trigger ovulation and hope & pray for the best. DH is being a complete jewel, a real gem, 5:30am in the morning and he was ready to BD. Afterwards he got ready and went upstairs to work out, his usual routine. I was very happy at his continued enthusiasm in this long journey of ours. Funny enough, I got a leg cramp, Charlie horse, during, which was painful but I managed to pull through. We still have lots more BD to go before we can rest so, here's to strength, hope and success!

We have a new Pope! Joseph Ratzinger of Germany is now Benedict the XVI. I got home in time to watch the re-run of the coverage when he came out for the first time to greet the throng of faithful there to see him and to share in the historic moment. It was nice but I felt a sad moment for the loss of our great Pope John Paul, the Pope I grew up knowing. I was 10 when he elected leader of the Catholic Church and only vaguely remember the previous post, and only by name.

On another note! here's the pic of the Bear that I got yesterday while I was filling my Rx at the pharmacy/gift shop in my doc's building. I bought the sweater separately this weekend and couldn't wait to find the bear to go with it. Antoinette loves it! I emailed her two pics. I chose a tanned bear b/c both she and Al have great natural tans and no doubt, so will the baby~!

_________
cc

Saw my cocoon babies today

Today I saw Dr. G for the 1st time in almost a month....doesn't sound like a long time but when your trying to conceive a baby it can feel like forever. The scan was uneventful, expected number of good sized follicles, two (2)~~18mm on the Right, 15mm left. I had two additional smaller ones 11mm in size, one on each side, that will probably disintegrate. No real chance to catch up at this point. Lining was 7mm, thinner than I'm used to but I'll take it. Oh, and Doc G said I didn't respond any better to Femara at 5mg than 2.5mg so, there you are. He gave me a Rx for Ovidrel which I will self administer tomorrow about 6pm; That should make the IUI at 9am Thursday just about perfect timing....oh wait, or should I trigger earlier? or later? uh, never mind about the perfect timing, I need to do a little research, doc G was a little vague, said take the shot "some time tomorrow" Gee thanks Doc, leave the decision to MOI? Oh and he also said it's time for me to get pg, or he'll have to get mad at me....point taken doc, I think I'll get pregnant now.

On another note, el coche went back to the dealership to have the headlight lens repaired. Hope to get it back tomorrow b/c I have errands to run....Oh, and I hope it doesn't cost an arm and a leg. I have no more left to give.

Our employee that was out sick Friday came into work today, bless her heart. She is on antibiotics for what she said was an ear infection. BUT, DH had to send her home. She apparently had fever blisters on & in her mouth and her tongue was white. She went back to the doc today & called us later. Diagnoses are strep throat, gastritis-something and a viral infection called who knows what. Basically the doc told her she was a walking germ....told her to stay home until her next appt. on Thursday! and then he'll see if she can return!!! Can you imagine the sh**load of germs & bacteria she has??? She got this from her son, said he had the same symptoms, and he is just 2 years old.....Poor things. Hope they get rid of this soon! Yes, DH called for the lysol to be sprayed. He's a germophobe. We were laughing today as I said to him in the Miss Congeniality voice of Sanda Bullock "you don't like germs, you have an obsession, you have a compulsion" He shot back "you have ADD you take some pills" in the same Sandra Bullock "Miss Congeniality" voice. It was hilarious......Btw, I don't have ADD and I don't take pills for any alleged ADD. He has this thing with me that Im like my Dad, who, I agree, seems to have an attention problem. But, and that's a big but, he's 75 years old!!!!! Who doesn't have attention problems at that age? LOL!

Anyway, I can't think of the other things I wanted to blog about so I'll end it here. Night for now, mind has been emptied. ccccc

Anxious

Today is the day I go see all my little mini-babies....my appointment is in 2 hours. I need to shower and ready myself and it will be the s-lowest 2 hours! I'm excited and anxious! My spotting and cramping have subsided and now I just have mild cramping which I am attributing to stimulation. My scare is that I will have over-stimulated and that was the reason for my spotting. That, would NOT be a good thing.

This week is our "fertile" week. Tried the ferning already and plan on continuing that & starting OPK's today as well. Hopefulyl we can squeeze it all in before we leave for L.A. Negative on the ferning and I plan on starting first OPK this afternoon.

This week also need to take all 5 pups and the cat for shots. Gotta get this done b/c the Boarding school for the pups will need their papers and they are overdue on shots, esp. the rabies shots. Sasha & Qiqi are staying with IL's but where is Tango staying?? Gotta ask DH!

Later this week we should be in Los Angeles! On a short but much needed trip! We haven't seen SIL's home or office! She has been in Hollywood since the late 70's, leaving for college to attend UCLA then staying to live her dream...she's been executive producer at top production companies & now has her own Production boutique. I admire the heck out of her! Talented, educated, funny and lovable all rolled into one sister-in-law! Can't wait to surprise her! Hope she's in town!!~~~

Strange dream last night....dreamt of swimming, tennis, my sister, an old school mate I never liked but in the dream we were beginning to "date" an college pal, and a club...all very weird.

Well, needs 2 jump in the shower and start ready-ing myself! Lady, start your engine!!!!!

BBL for more details on my visit!

Finally!

Finally I have access to my friggin' blog! I kept getting an error message all day until I decided, hey, I'm gonna email support@blogger.com when I copied and pasted it, voila! access to my blog! that's all it took????? UGGGGHHHHH!

Today was a busy one, did more shopping @ Michael's, Target & Wal-Mart. Picked up chinese for dinner and boy was it m m m m good!

Well I did it, I went out and bought an OPK and a SOK (saliva ovulation kit) I didn't really buy much at Target and when she came up with $116 I thought wtf!!!! then looked at my receipt to realize it was the opk and sok that bumped my total way up....the price to pay for a family....

On the TTC front, finished my Femara and today had light spotting and cramps....wonder what that is? Prob estrogen going batty since Im not feeding my body any more Femara. Tomorrow 9:20am first scan to see all my babies! hope there are plenty and that they're big!

On the shower planning front, did alot of buying yesterday & today. I bought some ribbon and hope to make several bows to place in strategic places at the shower. Today DSis finds out if the church is going to let her use the conference area for the shower.. Oh I hope I hope... I need to start assembling the pacifier necklaces that we're goin to use for the don't say the word "baby" game.

Joey and Max were nearly at it again this morning so ON went the muzzles....they seem to be doing ok now...

DH cleaned his bike (HD) today, I so enjoy watching him, he is so diligent. I would rather run my bike through the car-wash than clean it inch by inch like he does....

OK, got most of the little things onto blog. now to watch some tv and veg.

Today was a long one....up early roaring with energy and worked all day. Took a break mid-day and went grocery shopping with DH and MIL and FIL; Bought some ice cream and now that I think of it, I'll have myself one right now. Qiqi is on my lap as usual here at my desk making it hard to type. Did my usual routine, fed the pups, prepped the coffee for tomorrow, mopped up after the pups. Washed dishes (ok, loaded the dishwasher and pressed ON) and decided to surf a little bit.

Made my appt. for the scan Monday (Paulette's a jewel as usual) Expecting to ovulate wed or thur and we're leaving Thur night or Fri morning for L.A. I probably will opt for Friday so I don't miss the opportunity to BD.

Got my box of goodies for the baby shower today. Baby Bingo, Pin the pacifier on the baby and the Notes of Advice for the new mommy. Also got Al a nice little gift called "daddy's tools of the trade" that'll get some great laughs at the shower. We're picking out a shower cake and stationary for the invites this weekend, fun!

Tango was being adorable today so I'm posting a pic of her; She's a great little tabby. We're lucky to have her. She was very vocal and played with Qiqi today. She also was in the kitchen while the babies ate, she gets along great with them all. I was finally able to give Max some TLC without Joey having a caniption (how do you spell coniption?) anyway, a fit. His wound is healing nicely. So, here's to my cat, Tango (aka Tangaleta)

Had to take pic of la mew mew off b/c it was too big and messing with my blog set up....

I had an ok night last night, considering I went to bed with a headache. It came on suddenly as I was feeding the dogs and I bent over to pick up a bowl...and it stayed. Today, this morning, no headache. It's a good thing.

On the TTC front, I have totally forgotten to call my nurses all week to schedule my follie scan, hope its not too late. Mondy is CD12 so I should be in there getting a good peek at the little ones.

New show Revelations is good. DH & I watched it as I fed the furbabies...

Other than that, nothing else new. Just wanted to update the post.

I wanna baby

DH mentioned to me this morning, he wants children PRONTO! and make that two while Im at it. I would LOVE two but right now, Im having a problem making just ONE! I've doubled the dosage of Femara, and my Femara headaches show. Today hasn't been that bad. Im home right now, wiating for the plumber since I messed up the drain system AGAIN> This seems to be a recurrent problem I have typically around time of AF: Anyway TMI.

Well, the plumbers are working on the tub as well, my hair seems to fall out in droves...

Back to eating chips and wondering what to make for lunch.

Dog fight

Today Max & Joey got into another one of their fights; Bad, DH thought Joey had Max's eye and that got me sticking my hand in the middle of the fight, trying my hardest to pry Joey's mouth open. Turns out he had the skin under Max's eye. Thank you God. I was already envisioning Max without an eye. So DH made a decision that had neither Max or Joey happy. Muzzles. Yup, both of them had muzzles smacked on today. I was heart sick seeing them and Max ran to me, trying to get it off. I know that Im the mother figure for them, the one who always fixes their ouchy, feeds their hunger, quenches their thirst, whets their whistle. But today, all I could do was watch DH as he monitored their behavior. I know its for the best, they nearly killed each other today.
So in order, here are Joey & Max post-I-think-Im-the-alfa-male-fight:




Under Max's left eye is his boxer cut he got in the fight; He was hang-dogging it hard; Joey adjusted better and went over to the picnic table to take a nap while Max sat by the door head drooping, in a "help" mode.

Both Dh & I have nice reminders on our thumbs of today's fiasco. My index finger is numb but Im sure it'll be fine by morning.

On the fertility front, massive Femara headache today, had me whispering to avoid loud sounds. Weight is cooperating although I haven't made it back on the treadmill yet.

Tomorrow, calling Doc G to get my scan appt. before it's too late!

Energy & to do lists!

I've got tons of energy today! I got up early like yesterday and have been washing clothes, scrubbing the tub and plan on scrubbing the kitchen tile and polishing the hardwoods in the den and hall. It's a lot of work but it desperately needs to be done; Irma does great work but there's just some stuff that I have to do on my own, like the oven *uh! I HAVE to do it again so soon* I can't remember what I baked but it dripped all over my oven and just totally blackened it in one day. Looks like I have my work cut out for me.

This morning we watched Sideways (again) on DVD> I have to admit its more droll and melancholic than I remember. Giamatti is a hoot but plays a wonderful depressed character. Sad actually.

Anyway, that done, had left over Pizza for breakfast, and OJ. Brought in my palm that I had left outside and it started to dry out, looks NOTHING like the one in the den. I need to give it some serious TLC. Which reminds me that I have lots of TLC to give the rest of the house too. Plans for my Spring Cleaning:

1) Clean out Victoria's room & get ready for DH to move furniture to the next bedroom to be the "Guest" bedroom from now on;
2) File all our house bills and get all warranties/instruction booklets filed away;
3) Clean out the linen closet and put up all the sheets, throws & bedspreads;
3a) Buy Eurovac to store all the bedspreads in vacuum sealed pouches
4) Buy piece of cloth to get Bedspread repaired * the one Sasha dug into! *;
5) Clean out the cedar closet;
6) Gather all my crafts and organize them by Holiday/Season;
7) Clean out my closet and stack the old stuff for garage sale;
8) Call COIT to come clean and re-do the grout in the kitchen/utility room;
9) Make arrangements for new carpet in master, nursery & guest bedroom;
10) Carpet out of the study and re-do the hardwoods
1) Sell Trooper
12) Garage Sale plans and carry out

And if that's not enough, here's a list of Furniture/Fixtures I need
1) Light fixture for breakfast
2) New breakfast table
3) Formal living furniture
4) New countertops in the kitchen
5) Wallpaper or painting in the breakfast
6) New curtains for utility bathroom
7) Move TV stand from Den to study & buy new TV stand for den
8) Ottoman/Coffee table for Den
9) Finish furniture selections for den
10) Small baby grand for formal living
11) Select & buy patio furniture
12) Paint garage
13) Filing cabinet/credenza for study
14) Nursery (later, once pregnant, begin furniture selections etc)

And just what the heck am I doing online when I have all of this to do? No $$ to do it with, well except the first list, doesn't need much $$; And alot of that $$ will come from the garage sale, so I need to get booking.

First, I'll start off with the easy stuff, don't know how I plan on getting all of this stuff done but it needs to be done and I will do it!

Today I start down a new path in my journey to motherhood. I could do one of two things, mope around or pick myself up by the bootstraps and head on out. I've selected the one that leads somewhere. I've heard that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I believe that.

So now I get to fill my script and head towards the light! I'm very good at busying myself and that's what I plan on doing.

MY TO DO LIST:

Spring Cleaning *that should keep me busy til next Winter*
Potting new plants *ok just buying them and letting the yard guys do all the work*
Consider getting a new car *and getting my trade in value while I can*
Healthier eating *I've been "told on" and DH now thinks Im not eating well*
Exercise *DH said I could get back on the treadmill YAY!*

Ok, that's enough for now. The Spring cleaning will be a tough one. Filing and getting the winter stuff into the cedar closet and shopping for new spring line of clothes.

This weekend I have plans to get my manicure, pedicure and eyebrows done. I'll do some shopping, not too much, since I'm still recovering from expenses related to DH's birthday ($ undisclosed) and medical bills for my 20% portion and uninsured medical services, totaling $1900. Plan on going to SteinMart first to see what I can find....

So, I have my work cut out for me, all of which will start with a long hot shower and a good scrub!

TaTa for now! post more later...

Birth month

So I continued spotting and now I'm more confused than before. The spotting stopped except for on tp; cramps stopped for awhile too (but then again I took 2 tylenol around 2pm) and now are just coming back. I'm considering changing my chart back to spotting instead of light b/c I'm confused about when AF officially is here. I don't want to rush into this cycle when my body is not ready.

On a different subject DSD is back to calling her mom's boyfriend "Dad" I knew it would happen and it is just the thing that sickens me. She has told us horror stories about how he treats her and just to spite her real dad, she'll call this a**hole dad. She told us about why he's been divorced twice, no one can stand to live it him, deal with him, etc. and now they're moving to El Paso (or like I call it SMELL Paso. What, did he promise to be a good boy on stop knocking her on the head and intimidating her? DSD mom is quite the psycho, what I've termed WWW. The wicked witch of the west. She has her story too, DSD told us many a tale about her tantrums on the side of the freeway etc. Anyway, thought I'd blog that out of my system and now Im done.

Finally I want to end this note with wishes to my dear babyangel girl who would have been born this month. I cried quietly tonight thinking that this would have been the month my first baby was born. A dear daughter whose life we'll never be able to share on this earth, only later. This night made even harder by the fact that I don't have anything to look forward to, at least not yet. Mood tonight; resilient yet pensive and reminiscent.

For now I sit and see you as I always will, my little fuzzy peanut...love, mom.
On the left, you had already left to be in heaven... on the right, the first time Mommy & Daddy heard your little heartbeating....it was a great symphony to mommy's ears.

Poster child for a BFN

I have no idea what's going on with my body. I have had nothing but cramps all day for several days...my temps have been dropping a degree for several days....and still no BFP or AF. I gave myself time to let the first BFN sink in, and now I'm just plain saturated with it...time to move forward...but my body is in quicksand mode.

Still, I have no real symptoms anymore...my progesterone levels are surely dropping as evidenced by my temperature stairwell spiraling down, each day dropping a symptom I had before...LLQ pain this morning; other than that other symptoms have tapered off. Emotions have been climbing though, and those are anxiety, eagerness, hopelessness. DH hasn't asked if I took a test, but I'm sure he knows that I did. 4 to date. 2 digital and 2 standard. All just about as bfn as they come, poster child for a perfect BFN.....

On another note, DH had a scary day yesterday.. he was on a flight home when he started feeling popping in his ears. He would yawn and make his ears pop, and it would happen again. Then he noticed an odor he described as burning wire. He asked the guy next to him who said he smelled the same thing. The guy next to him was an engineer. Next thing you know DH said that there was turbulence and the plane started descending. The flight attendant came on speaker and DH could see her at the front of the plane, obviously shaken and chewing her gum nervously. Before they knew it they were landing in Corpus on an emergency basis. DH would come to find out that the pilot was unable to pressurize the cabin due to some thingy-ma-pop that was not working properly. (DH told me what it was I just don't remember)
DH said paramedics were called for one lady who thought she was having a heart attack. DH called me and I could hear the rumble of nervous passengers in the background, everyone surely on their own cell phones calling home to loved ones explaining the same to them. DH had to wait about an hour and was on the 7:30 flight home bound. I was very happy to see him. It's bad enough DH had to overcome his fear of flying and then this. I said to him, I hope that this is that "once in a lifetime" event when something on a flight you are on malfunctions. He agreed and hopes it will be the last. It could have been worse.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a bad day emotionally, physically AND financially. I had a REALLY bad day. Besides the emotional pain of the BFN and the physical pain of cramps, I made a decision that will impact us financially. DH was not too happy. Well my car went in to the dealership to repair the front right headlight and back right tail light. That was done in a day at a cost of $991.00. I have no earthly idea how both of those were damaged. This I do know. On the way home yesterday there was some traffic so I made a decision to take another route home. I ended up on I-10, the notorious I-10. I was trying to exit the 59 South bound route but it was closed off so I was forced to take I-10 all the way to 610. That done, the notorious I-10 made good on its name. I got hit by a rock from a trucker/trailer. Hit my front headlight, cracking it and putting a golf ball sized hole in it. I knew it. DH saw it when he got home. He was not happy. He likes to get projects done. We had completed the "repair the headlight/taillight project" NOW THIS. It will be BACK to the dealership for more repairs.....ho hum....how much it will cost, who knows. Aside from that, the dealership offered my $12-15k for my car as a trade in. I hope this doesn't go down b/c of this headlight business. I have always taken my car to the dealership for repairs. They have the entire car repair history, said I've taken good care of it. It's a 1997 and I drive it EVERY SINGLE DAY. 94,000 miles and counting. DH thinks it's a good deal, trade in while it's still in good shape. I want to think about it. I only wanted a new car if I got pregnant. New car for the new baby. I thought surely it would be soon, but yesterday and Monday proved me wrong.


Today, this morning, I took DH to the airport; I'll be getting to the office early to get some work done early. Taking lunch with me so I don't have to leave. Can't wait for him to get home. I think I 'll go with him on the next trip, yes, in fact, I am going with him......

Off to get ready for work. No real symptoms this morning except the cramps, rlq and llq pain. Some heartburn this morning, but not like yesterday.

Later.

Ambivalent feelings today

Well I tested today. and yesterday but whose counting? Both BFN's; ok yesterday I tested twice. But anyway.
Today's was a regular hpt, the one with LINES Only one line appeared, very negative.

Today's was no big surprise. Feeling crampy with lots of heartburn. The heartburn is what threw me off the BFN path. Either way I have my results. I've been licking my wounds all day. DH saw it and commented on it. said I'm a worry wart, boy if he only knew I had changed my blog name earlier today....It was quite a coincidence. Anyway, found my Rx for next month...fished it out of the pile of "to file" today. That pile has been there for over a year, it's incredible. I need to take a pic of it. Maybe later. For today I thought I'd post my thoughts about this big mess I've made. DH is out of town tomorrow. Lots of work for the next two weeks keeping myself busy... I'm coming out of the 2 week self-induced hibernation. Still, I don't know if I'll be the same. First BFN since we started TTC again in July....hit me right between the eyes. I just didn't see it coming. After thinking about it for two days now, I've decided that my feeling about the whole situation is that I'm ambivalent. Susanna/Girl Interrupted, I here ya.

It's all Greek to me

fudge, i lost my previous post.....in summary, I went over to the pregnancy boards today. Why? I have no idea. What happened? how did I feel? I felt scared. That feeling came over me and it was dreadful. I saw my old chart, I would have been 22 weeks pregnant this week. That chart took me back even further than that, I would have been due this month in April. Yes, my first miscarriage was long ago. I can't remember how I felt when I looked over at the scan to see a fuzzy picture of what I could tell was MY baby. only that there was only stillness...I knew it, I had felt that uncertainty the Saturday night before when I woke up in the middle of the night and felt uneasy.. Then the doc brought it to reality for me...no heartbeat. All I remember was shock. Then a quick second pregnancy just 8 weeks later (edited), with obsession over every symptom or lack thereof until the next miscarriage. So here I am, sitting here at 11 or 12 dpo *still unsure* obsessing over every symptom that I finally had to blog it all out. Here's what I've posted for today's symptoms in the itsy bitsy crawl space that they give me for today, April 3rd.

really fatigued this morning; knocked right out as soon as I got home from dinner; slept fine til 4 then needed to pee; slept a good 8-9 hours so no reason to be this tired; 2pm still very tired; bought the hpt's tomorrow i will tell. funny how you can "feel" it, I can't b/c Im afraid to. temp at 4pm 98.4; rlq pain; frequent need to "P"; lbp on left, sharp shoot real quick; 7pm gas-like sharp pain in rt abdomen "in the middle" not by the rlq but higher up by the ribs.

All of it made sense at each post but reading back it's just a series of senseless thoughts put in writing... All I know is that as I sit here I'm really fatigued, not tired. No, I've been plenty tired in my life. this is fatigue,this is different. I've got heartburn, that is easily explained, I ate Taco Bell earlier, there, explained away that one. What I haven't posted are the symptoms that I DON'T feel, like sore bb's or nausea. *well I had imaginary-nausea yesterday and Im not counting that* But actual pregnancy symptoms that I can hang my hat on. Even the LLQ and RLQ pains have subsided to mere twinges here and there, sometimes they disappear altogether and other times they sneak up on me for seconds at a time. But still not the blaring neon-sign-type symptom that I've been wanting. I've searched and analyzed pregnancy charts. I've questioned every aspect of my fertility. Does my cm point to pregnancy? no. Does my chart "look" like a pregnancy chart? no. Do I have an implantation dip? no. My temp dropped today is that bad? yes. What do the pregnancy charts have that I don't have? I don't know. Having been on FF since Aug 2004, having posted hundreds of times and read even more posts than that, I must confess, it's all Greek to me.